at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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