Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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