I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
