and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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