Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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