dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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