Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
That reminds me...we need to get swords
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
