Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
