remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
