I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
