So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
