It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
