I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
