I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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