I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
