when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
