everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
