Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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