so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
