True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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