the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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