Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
