I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
