Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
