i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
