I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
