Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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