Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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