...so i touched it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
