I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
