He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
