I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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