Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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