I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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