I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And then my night got REAL pukey
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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