My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
