im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
