so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
