sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
