No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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