I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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