have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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