Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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