So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
