Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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