I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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