So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and she was petting her beer can
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
