Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
