I will die if light touches me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
