I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
